November 2025 – Bruno Loyiso
Have you ever wondered why two people who love each other deeply can still hurt each other so easily? Marriage has a way of revealing both our beauty and our brokenness. It brings joy, companionship, and comfort, but it also exposes pride, fear, impatience, and the parts of us that still need God’s healing touch. And because marriage is so close, so personal, it requires something simple yet profoundly difficult: humility.
The Scriptures give us a clear direction:
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.” (Eph. 4:2–3, NLT)
Marriage is daily choosing this humility, this patience, this effort. It is not maintained by accident. It grows through choices, sometimes small ones, made again and again.
Humility: The Foundation of a Strong Marriage
Shaunti Feldhahn’s research shows that highly happy couples live with a simple but powerful belief: my spouse is for me, not against me. They “assume the best” about one another. They give each other the benefit of the doubt.
My friend Dr Louis Pretorius often says, “Your spouse is not the enemy. The enemy is your enemy.”
This truth can change everything. When we stop fighting against each other and begin fighting for each other, humility becomes the doorway to healing.
Pride says, “I’m right.”
Humility asks, “What is happening in us, and how can we walk through it together?”
Marriage Requires Effort
Paul’s phrase “make every effort” is not soft. It is intentional, persistent, everyday work.
Feldhahn found that highly happy couples “boss their feelings around.” They experience hurt, frustration, and misunderstanding like everyone else, but instead of letting those emotions choose their response, they choose wise actions instead of emotional reactions.
One of her most surprising findings is that these couples sometimes go to bed mad, not in bitterness or punishment, but because they have learned that trying to solve conflict when exhausted often makes things worse. Instead, they practise something healthier: acknowledging the tension, offering a small sign of love, and agreeing to return to the conversation with clearer minds the next day.
Many of us grew up believing we must “never let the sun go down on our anger.” But Feldhahn’s couples show that the real issue is not going to sleep in anger toward each other. Resting when you are too drained for a constructive conversation can actually protect the marriage.
A simple sign, a touch, a gentle word, a hug that says,
“We are not okay yet, but we will be. I am still with you.”,
becomes a bridge that keeps the heart open.
Marriage Needs Community
Scripture calls us to “share each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2). Marriage is one of those burdens we cannot carry alone. Wise couples seek help from mentors early: counsellors, pastors, and older believers who have walked the long road of covenant love. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure but a sign of wisdom, courage, and commitment.
A Small Personal Moment
When my wife and I face conflict, I often withdraw because I need time to think things through. For me, this is a way of processing. But for her, it can feel like rejection or punishment. Over the years, I’ve learned that withdrawing without communication damages trust, but withdrawing with a sign of love protects it.
So now I try to tell her, “I love you. I need time to think, but we are okay, and we will sort this out.” It’s a small gesture, but it changes everything. It keeps connection alive while giving space for clarity.
A Personal Challenge
How then do we build marriages that reflect Christ?
By choosing humility, believing the best about each other, making the effort to stay connected, and seeking help when needed. Marriage is not held together by perfection, but by grace.
Here is a question to carry with you this week:
What step of humility, reconciliation, or help-seeking is God inviting me to take toward my spouse?
May God’s faithful love shape your marriage and grow humility in you.
References
Feldhahn, Shaunti. 2013. The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books.
The Holy Bible. New Living Translation, 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-Living-Translation-NLT-Bible/. Accessed 24 November 2025.